Horizons - Filled with Hope

Abhi pointed me to this transcript of the Devil's Advocate episode where Karan Thapar interviewed I&B Minister Ambika Soni. Watch out for the number of times she uses phrases such as “debate”, “mechanisms in place” etc.

I guffawed so hard at the stupidity of it all that I fell down from my chair, hit my head against the floor; and fell unconscious. But even then the ghost of this interview did not leave me. I actually dreamt that I was interviewing Ambika Soni. And here's how the dream went:

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Me (Interviewer): Hello and welcome to [Insert-the-name-of-any-interview-show-here]. This is Kiran Rao; and we have as our guest today, I&B Minster of India, Ms. Ambika Soni. Ministerji, let's start with the question of censorship. What makes you think your ministry qualifies to tell people what they should be seeing?

Ambika Soni (AS): Well, I don't think that's true. I think we should have a public debate. I have committed myself on the floor of the house. I have an absolutely open mind.

Me: Ministerji, your ministry recently disallowed screening of one of the episodes of my interview show because it had a scene showing me kissing my wife. Are you implying that I was doing something immoral?

AS: No. I am not saying that. But there are mechanisms in place to deal with such cases. It is not my creation.

Me: Ok. So you accept, then, that that episode had nothing shameful?

AS: Kiran, I am not going to table my personal opinion on the matter. It is just that there has been a mechanism in place for this. I am ready to have a public debate.

Me: Ms Soni, lets lighten the mood a little. Let's switch topics. Who is your favorite cricketer?

AS: As I said, I have an open mind and I am prepared to have a public debate to resolve the issue and reach a conclusion.

Me: Huh? Ok. Let's try this. Would you like to tell us about yourself? Your history? Family background?

AS: Well – I committed myself on the floor of the house .. I have an open mind ... ..

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At that moment, I felt some cold water running down my cheeks and woke up :D I gave a good scolding to the friend who had woken me up. I so wanted to know where the interview was heading!

Really .. does it qualify to be a Dilbert comic?

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Scene 1:

Dilbert: Boss, in order to complete this project, we will need to Zapperize the Customerator; and follow it up with a Clamorification of the Vendorola; and all this while we also need to ensure that our company's Exploiterazi process is followed.

Pointy-Haired Boss (PHB): [Irritated; “I wish I had the remotest idea of what this fella is blabbering”]: Oh well, Dilbert, that sounds interesting. Could you give a date by which you can complete this?

Dilbert: @#$%

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Scene 2:

Dilbert: Boss, we are very close to delivering this milestone; now all we need is to lay our hands on a gadget which is somewhat of a cross between a Bugatti Veyron and an Apple iPhone. But, as you know – we do not have control over the plans of Bugatti or Apple. So, we ...

PHB: [Cutting Dilbert short; and in complete awe of him]: Woww... thats awesssome ... Err .. could you just estimate a date by which the milestone will be delivered?

Dilbert: @#$%

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Scene 3:

Dilbert: Boss, our Water-Molecule Detector is ready. However, the only way we can test it is to fly out to Mars and see if we can find anything there (there are too many interfering water molecules on the Earth for the test result to be meaningful).

PHB: [Sympathetically]: Well, Dilbert, I understand you are facing some minor hiccups in releasing this product to the public. Now, could you just put a Completion Date against this task of testing the product?

Dilbert: @#$%

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And I can imagine the various facial expressions of Dilbert and PHB in these three scenes.

Scott Adams, are you reading this?

Really, what's with nutcases who take something obvious and package it as news, announcements, surveys and more?

Just pick up the newspaper following any terrorist activity – and you'll see politicians right up to the Honorable Prime Minister giving statements like “Prima facie, it appears to be the handiwork of terrorists”. Oh REALLY?? Damn .. and here I was, thinking that the strays were celebrating animal Diwali!

Then, we have a new survey almost every day in the newspaper – which claim to have unearthed some sacred truth – like this survey which has reached a conclusion that dudes driving and text-messaging at the same time are more likely to meet with an accident than those who don't. Oh bloody freaking WOWWW!! Who would've figured THAT out?

I can clearly see where this is heading. The day is not far when we will see a news report that will read something like this:

The Bangalore-based company “Ridiculous Surveys” has published the findings of its latest study titled “Study on Human Reaction, Resistance and Resilience to Head-Smashing”. In the report released today, the company claims it has found that Nine million, Nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety samples out of the 10 million surveyed, died when their heads were smashed with a 30-kilo block of stone or concrete.

It has also revealed that the 10 who survived were empty-headed and hence their skulls acted like an elastic band; thereby absorbing the energy. George Bush, former president of USA, is reported to be one of the survivors. So, is a certain Mr. Saif Zali(m) Ardari, who is also a President just like George Bush (not to be confused with the honorable President of Pakistan – Mr. Asil Ali Zardari – whose mention in this article has nothing to do with this news) but the country over which he presides is unknown. The study concludes that beating a person's skull to pulp will almost definitely kill him or her.

Any similar news items/surveys you have come across (or foresee ;) ?

The top 3 in the world as far as “satire, with a meaning” goes are: Dilbert, Ramesh Srivats and Amit Varma. I have been a fan of Amit Varma and IndiaUncut for years now – and it was but obvious that I had to read his book!

Just imagine “What if IndiaUncut had been a book?” – and thats My Friend Sancho for you!

The Story:

Well, this is no suspense story – but I'll still keep the story part short so as to avoid “spoilers”

Abir Ganguly, a reporter on a crime beat is informed by the police about an impending arrest. The reporter reaches the scene where the “arrest” turns out to be a shooting and one man ends up dead.

Muneeza, is the daughter of the man who was shot dead.

The two meet when Abir is asked to do a story about the life of the innocent man who was shot dead. Abir takes Muneeza's help to know her father's life better. It doesn't help when Abir is later asked to make it a split-story; with half of it painting a picture of the person who shot the bullet – Inspector Thombre.

How Abir goes about writing this story occupies the rest of the book.

What's So Special About It?

For one, there's copious amounts of Amit Varma's hallmark humor and satire. Secondly, the book abounds in Amit Varma's second hallmark – humor with a message. The main point of the book is about the kind of life journalists lead – and it made me regret the criticism I often hurl at them. It's also about the kind of life policemen lead – putting the reader in their shoes.

By the time you are done reading the book (by the way the 200 pages won't take you too much time – 3 hours, give-or-take); you will be happy with your life and end up wondering “Why the hell am I complaining about my life? Had I been in these people's shoes, would I have handled things as well as they did?”

And that is the best quality of My Friend Sancho. I would rate it at 3.5 stars. It is not outstanding, but is still a must-read. Go get yourself a copy right away!

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Other books I have reviewed:

• Wise and Otherwise (by Sudha Murthy)
• Bitter Chocolate - Child Sexual Abuse in India (by Pinki Virani)
• Frontline Pakistan (by Zahid Hussain)
• Dude, Where's My Country (by Michael Moore)
• Games Indians Play (by V Raghunathan)
  

... According to this article.

How I wish the following categories of people had inherited this trait from their ancestors:

• Leaders (this includes politicians, Governments – even kingdoms that have gone by)

• George Bush (He deserves special mention because he is a class apart. And in the context of this post, he is relevant in more ways than one)

• SreeSanths (well – that's not one person, that's a species which includes the likes of Anu Malik, Bhajji et. al.).

• Auto Drivers

• Last, but not the least, those omnipresent species which we all have to deal with at work, and who exist at all levels ... bosses, co-workers or subordinates (like dude in this post, for example).

Update: This post has been BlogBharti'ed

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Its 2050 A.D. The Indian Parliamentary elections are just round the corner. All political parties are immersed in hectic preparations for the polls.

Over at Amethi, the capital of the Targetary Republic of India, leaders of several smaller regional parties have come together for a meeting. The agenda is to discuss pre-poll alliances. These parties do not want to be part of the 2 big alliances: NDA (National Destructive Alliance) or UPA (Unbelievably Pathetic Alliance). They do not even want to be part of the 3^rd Front. Hence, they are coming together to form the Four-and-a-Half-th Back (4.5B).

Leader of the CPI (Chinese Party of India) – the largest party in the 4.5FB alliance, Mr. TomDick Harry announced the formation of this alliance in a press statement today:

“Initially, our party wanted to join the Third-and-a-Quarterth Direction-less (3Q-D). This is mainly because this front is dominated by the Right-wing parties, and we used to believe in their ideology.

However, as can be seen from recent developments, the Rights just wanted to get up-Front and they were not willing to have a dialogue to address our points of view. So during our recent party High Command meeting, we passed a resolution to disassociate ourselves from the 3Q-D.

That left us with the Left parties and their alliance – Nothing's Left (NL). However, we do not subscribe to their views at all. Finally, we decided to leave the Left Back, and jumped into the Centre with our own alliance.

4.5B is undoubtedly the future of India. We believe in all-Round backwardness. We aim to make every backward person/caste/section/religion/occupation even more backward – so much so that in 4.5 years, we aim to achieve our goal of having only one non-backward person out of every 4.5 people in India. Hence the name 4.5B.”

It remains to be seen how well this alliance is perceived by the public. All eyes are now on the MangoRepublic (also known as aam aadmi) citizen forum to react to this latest pre-poll alliance.

Watch this space for continuous updates leading right up to the D-Day.