Horizons - Filled with Hope

CNN-IBN ran an interview on their talk show “Talking Point”; and the topic was “Sachin versus Sena” (transcript here). You've got to read it. Do you notice how the Shiv Sena's supposed “spokesperson” Rahul Narvekar seems to have taken a course on “how-to-appear-as-unconvincing-as-possible” before attending this show? He almost appears to be a pet animal of Balasaheb Thackeray and not the spokesperson!

And that thought conjures up interesting behind-the-scene visualizations. I can imagine the scene at Thackeray's house just before Rahul Narvekar was dispatched to attend the interview:

Bal Thackeray (BT): Kuthlya tari channel ni aaplyaala interview saathi bolaavla aahe. Kon zaanaar? (Some channel has invited us for an interview. Who wants to go?)

Rahul Narvekar (RN): Bow-wow

BT: Rahul, tu zaanaar? Nakki? (Rahul, you'l go? Are you sure?)

RN: Woof-woof

BT (in Marathi of course – I do not have the patience to translate and type all of it in Marathi): Ok. Go ahead. But do remember that whatever I have stated on the issue is the final word. Do not contradict anything that I said.

RN: Bow-wow. Ooooooo, Woof-woof,, bowowowoowow woof?

BT: Yes, they are sure to ask that question. Make sure don't paint a negative picture of Sachin. I have already dug my own grave by making that totally uncalled-for statement.

RN (Tail between his hind-legs): Waaiill, howwwlll, barkbark wowbowwoof?

BT: Rahul, you are the spokesperson. Do I have to tell you everything? Anyways, if they ask you “Sachin just said he's an Indian first; what's wrong with that?”, just change the topic, stall, or deflect it, or say our Supremo has spoken and that is final.

RN: woooooooof waaiiiiilll?

BT: Well, if they ask you “What is the Shiv Sena trying to prove by this outburst against the national icon?” - just say something unintelligible like “A clear reading of the article in Saamna will resolve the issue”. Don't forget to end the statement with something like “Our Supremo has spoken and there is no question of anyone speaking after that”.

RN (tail wagging, ears cocked up): Bow-wow.

***************************

And that, dear friends, is how we got to witness this most enlightening interview in recent history.

It makes driving on Bangalore's roads exciting:

I'm pretty bored with the mundane driving experience in Bangalore (dodging cows, people, autos, sweepers, what-have-you) everyday. Diwali gives me an opportunity to test my driving skills; which begins with spotting the cracker bang in the middle of the road. I get the chance to test my alertness levels; scanning the footpaths (well – whatever is left of them) for any sign of a person holding an incense stick or a matchbox. These are pointers to crackers on the road. And the fun that I have avoiding these crackers and driving on! Boy-oh-boy!!!

Weeding out the sick and elderly from our population:

Our population is bloating. And there are many who are sick, who have asthma. Bangalore is polluted enough even without the fireworks. Now we have a chance to choke them even further. Then, there are people who have heart problems. It gives me sadistic pleasure to sometimes drive very close to them and then honk loudly. The look on their faces! Heaven. And in spite of all this, such people want to stay on in the city. How dare they? I am glad that God gave us Diwali which is an excuse to weed out such people from amongst us healthier, more responsible citizens. Now I can burst these fireworks right in their faces so they either collapse because of the pollution; or get an attack because of the sudden explosion of the fireworks!

Opportunity to take revenge on my neighbours:

I vividly remember the time when my next door neighbor parked his horse in front of my gate. The mutt! Now, what better time than Diwali to get back at him? I can fire those rockets at will – in whatever direction I wish. Yesterday I fired 2 into his balcony, one into his bathroom; and one under his car. Serves him right – the wretched fellow. But oh! This is Deepavali. I should not be having such negative thoughts. But anyways .. what is done is done. God bless him.

And this list is just the top three reasons! Now, let those “Please-have-a-fireworks-free-Diwali” types better THAT! Ha!

************************

Update [20th October '09]:

In case you are wondering what the other reasons I love fireworks might be, well here are some

• They give me an opportunity to render several people nearly blind (including pregnant women)
• They ensure that pets and animals have a particularly bad time, both physically and mentally
• Hey - I might as well burn a power transformer or 2 - nobody will ever know. They might think I'm just bursting crackers!
  

Abhi pointed me to this transcript of the Devil's Advocate episode where Karan Thapar interviewed I&B Minister Ambika Soni. Watch out for the number of times she uses phrases such as “debate”, “mechanisms in place” etc.

I guffawed so hard at the stupidity of it all that I fell down from my chair, hit my head against the floor; and fell unconscious. But even then the ghost of this interview did not leave me. I actually dreamt that I was interviewing Ambika Soni. And here's how the dream went:

********************

Me (Interviewer): Hello and welcome to [Insert-the-name-of-any-interview-show-here]. This is Kiran Rao; and we have as our guest today, I&B Minster of India, Ms. Ambika Soni. Ministerji, let's start with the question of censorship. What makes you think your ministry qualifies to tell people what they should be seeing?

Ambika Soni (AS): Well, I don't think that's true. I think we should have a public debate. I have committed myself on the floor of the house. I have an absolutely open mind.

Me: Ministerji, your ministry recently disallowed screening of one of the episodes of my interview show because it had a scene showing me kissing my wife. Are you implying that I was doing something immoral?

AS: No. I am not saying that. But there are mechanisms in place to deal with such cases. It is not my creation.

Me: Ok. So you accept, then, that that episode had nothing shameful?

AS: Kiran, I am not going to table my personal opinion on the matter. It is just that there has been a mechanism in place for this. I am ready to have a public debate.

Me: Ms Soni, lets lighten the mood a little. Let's switch topics. Who is your favorite cricketer?

AS: As I said, I have an open mind and I am prepared to have a public debate to resolve the issue and reach a conclusion.

Me: Huh? Ok. Let's try this. Would you like to tell us about yourself? Your history? Family background?

AS: Well – I committed myself on the floor of the house .. I have an open mind ... ..

********************

At that moment, I felt some cold water running down my cheeks and woke up :D I gave a good scolding to the friend who had woken me up. I so wanted to know where the interview was heading!

Really .. does it qualify to be a Dilbert comic?

************************

Scene 1:

Dilbert: Boss, in order to complete this project, we will need to Zapperize the Customerator; and follow it up with a Clamorification of the Vendorola; and all this while we also need to ensure that our company's Exploiterazi process is followed.

Pointy-Haired Boss (PHB): [Irritated; “I wish I had the remotest idea of what this fella is blabbering”]: Oh well, Dilbert, that sounds interesting. Could you give a date by which you can complete this?

Dilbert: @#$%

************************

Scene 2:

Dilbert: Boss, we are very close to delivering this milestone; now all we need is to lay our hands on a gadget which is somewhat of a cross between a Bugatti Veyron and an Apple iPhone. But, as you know – we do not have control over the plans of Bugatti or Apple. So, we ...

PHB: [Cutting Dilbert short; and in complete awe of him]: Woww... thats awesssome ... Err .. could you just estimate a date by which the milestone will be delivered?

Dilbert: @#$%

************************

Scene 3:

Dilbert: Boss, our Water-Molecule Detector is ready. However, the only way we can test it is to fly out to Mars and see if we can find anything there (there are too many interfering water molecules on the Earth for the test result to be meaningful).

PHB: [Sympathetically]: Well, Dilbert, I understand you are facing some minor hiccups in releasing this product to the public. Now, could you just put a Completion Date against this task of testing the product?

Dilbert: @#$%

************************

And I can imagine the various facial expressions of Dilbert and PHB in these three scenes.

Scott Adams, are you reading this?

Really, what's with nutcases who take something obvious and package it as news, announcements, surveys and more?

Just pick up the newspaper following any terrorist activity – and you'll see politicians right up to the Honorable Prime Minister giving statements like “Prima facie, it appears to be the handiwork of terrorists”. Oh REALLY?? Damn .. and here I was, thinking that the strays were celebrating animal Diwali!

Then, we have a new survey almost every day in the newspaper – which claim to have unearthed some sacred truth – like this survey which has reached a conclusion that dudes driving and text-messaging at the same time are more likely to meet with an accident than those who don't. Oh bloody freaking WOWWW!! Who would've figured THAT out?

I can clearly see where this is heading. The day is not far when we will see a news report that will read something like this:

The Bangalore-based company “Ridiculous Surveys” has published the findings of its latest study titled “Study on Human Reaction, Resistance and Resilience to Head-Smashing”. In the report released today, the company claims it has found that Nine million, Nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety samples out of the 10 million surveyed, died when their heads were smashed with a 30-kilo block of stone or concrete.

It has also revealed that the 10 who survived were empty-headed and hence their skulls acted like an elastic band; thereby absorbing the energy. George Bush, former president of USA, is reported to be one of the survivors. So, is a certain Mr. Saif Zali(m) Ardari, who is also a President just like George Bush (not to be confused with the honorable President of Pakistan – Mr. Asil Ali Zardari – whose mention in this article has nothing to do with this news) but the country over which he presides is unknown. The study concludes that beating a person's skull to pulp will almost definitely kill him or her.

Any similar news items/surveys you have come across (or foresee ;) ?

The top 3 in the world as far as “satire, with a meaning” goes are: Dilbert, Ramesh Srivats and Amit Varma. I have been a fan of Amit Varma and IndiaUncut for years now – and it was but obvious that I had to read his book!

Just imagine “What if IndiaUncut had been a book?” – and thats My Friend Sancho for you!

The Story:

Well, this is no suspense story – but I'll still keep the story part short so as to avoid “spoilers”

Abir Ganguly, a reporter on a crime beat is informed by the police about an impending arrest. The reporter reaches the scene where the “arrest” turns out to be a shooting and one man ends up dead.

Muneeza, is the daughter of the man who was shot dead.

The two meet when Abir is asked to do a story about the life of the innocent man who was shot dead. Abir takes Muneeza's help to know her father's life better. It doesn't help when Abir is later asked to make it a split-story; with half of it painting a picture of the person who shot the bullet – Inspector Thombre.

How Abir goes about writing this story occupies the rest of the book.

What's So Special About It?

For one, there's copious amounts of Amit Varma's hallmark humor and satire. Secondly, the book abounds in Amit Varma's second hallmark – humor with a message. The main point of the book is about the kind of life journalists lead – and it made me regret the criticism I often hurl at them. It's also about the kind of life policemen lead – putting the reader in their shoes.

By the time you are done reading the book (by the way the 200 pages won't take you too much time – 3 hours, give-or-take); you will be happy with your life and end up wondering “Why the hell am I complaining about my life? Had I been in these people's shoes, would I have handled things as well as they did?”

And that is the best quality of My Friend Sancho. I would rate it at 3.5 stars. It is not outstanding, but is still a must-read. Go get yourself a copy right away!

**********************

Other books I have reviewed:

• Wise and Otherwise (by Sudha Murthy)
• Bitter Chocolate - Child Sexual Abuse in India (by Pinki Virani)
• Frontline Pakistan (by Zahid Hussain)
• Dude, Where's My Country (by Michael Moore)
• Games Indians Play (by V Raghunathan)
  

• The price of tur-dal has shot up over Rs 77/kg. But hey, the inflation is negative
• A fuel price hike, probably the largest ever in Indian history, was effected couple of days back. Parking rates are ridiculous. But, don't you know the inflation is negative?
• The world is in recession, salaries are being slashed, people are losing jobs. Hey, don't you ever listen? I'm telling you, inflation is negative.
• Eating and cooking, fruits, milk and vegetables are now more expensive than ever before. But, don't you worry – inflation is negative.
• Commuting to and from work is now pinching – no, tearing apart – your pocket. Buddy, would you like to join the merriment? Inflation is negative, you see.
• Education is no longer affordable to even the middle class. You know what? The inflation is negative.
• They say real estate prices have come down – that holds ONLY if you are selling or renting out. If you are buying or renting a house yourself, prices are still around Mount K2 or Mount Everest levels. Don't you believe all that bullshit. Inflation is negative.

Come, lets all join hands and celebrate this wonderful achievement! The inflation is negative.

An Indian MP, one Mr Yarad Shaadav, recently caused furore by threatening to consume poison if a bill which proposes to set aside 33% reservation for women is passed. This was just the beginning. Mr. Shaadav set the stage for a series of threats, counter-threats, demands and counter-demands. In this exclusive report, we present some samples from this tug-of-war being played out in the Parliament for the past few days.

Mrs. Mane Aka Gandhi has demanded that 33% of the seats (i.e, 181 seats) be reserved for animals. Nothing surprising for those who know her. What is surprising though, is that out of these 181 seats, Mrs. Gandhi has asked for a huge chunk – 100 seats – for lions alone. This has made experts wonder why the lady has not demanded more reservation for lionesses, not to mention other animal species. This reporter suspects it might be because of the Mane in her Name). Mrs. Gandhi has threatened that she will let lions loose in the parliament if her demands are not met.

Star Indian cricketer, Har-dozen Singh has partly supported Mrs. Gandhi and requested her to include a clause that sets aside 10 seats for monkeys. Mr. Singh has also dropped a hint that failure to comply may mean that he will slap the Speaker of the House.

Another Indian cricketer – medium-pace dancer and (make-or-)break bowler Mr. Pappu-Kentdans-Ala (also known as Free-Santh)- has demanded 12% reservation for those backward sections of Indians who cannot dance, failing which, he reportedly plans to torture the entire House by shaking a leg near the well at Parliament House. Upon being asked how he arrived at the number 12, he responded that 12 is the average number of balls he bowls per over – hence the figure.

Noted actor Emraan Kissme, meanwhile, has started a campaign to highlight the plight of bad serial kissers in the country, and is reported to be meeting the President today with a representation requesting 1% reservation for serial kissers. Mr. Kissme has issued the most serious threat so far – he claims he will kiss every female MP for two full minutes if his demand is not met. If this act does not yield any results, he says he will start kissing the male MP's - in the ascending order of their age; and he will continue until his demand is accepted.

The Commissioner of Police of Bangalore, Mr. Pandu Havaldar, has jumped on to the bandwagon, and is lobbying for a 5% reservation for corrupt policemen in the Parliament. This in turn, has prompted citizen groups and MP's alike to question the motive of such a move as there is already a 100% reservation for corrupt people in the Lok Sabha. Mr. Havaldar also blackmailed the public by declaring that until his demands are met, the Bangalore Police will not maintain law and order in the city. This statement has confused the media and citizen forums. Questions like “Whats new in that?”, “How is that a threat?”, “Isn't that the state of Bangalore for the past decade any way?” resonated across newspapers and blogs alike.

This correspondent will continue to bring such juicy inside details for our esteemed readers as the women's reservation bill debate continues and the noises build up into a cacophony. Stay tuned .. er .. feedburner-fed.