Horizons - Filled with Hope

CNN-IBN ran an interview on their talk show “Talking Point”; and the topic was “Sachin versus Sena” (transcript here). You've got to read it. Do you notice how the Shiv Sena's supposed “spokesperson” Rahul Narvekar seems to have taken a course on “how-to-appear-as-unconvincing-as-possible” before attending this show? He almost appears to be a pet animal of Balasaheb Thackeray and not the spokesperson!

And that thought conjures up interesting behind-the-scene visualizations. I can imagine the scene at Thackeray's house just before Rahul Narvekar was dispatched to attend the interview:

Bal Thackeray (BT): Kuthlya tari channel ni aaplyaala interview saathi bolaavla aahe. Kon zaanaar? (Some channel has invited us for an interview. Who wants to go?)

Rahul Narvekar (RN): Bow-wow

BT: Rahul, tu zaanaar? Nakki? (Rahul, you'l go? Are you sure?)

RN: Woof-woof

BT (in Marathi of course – I do not have the patience to translate and type all of it in Marathi): Ok. Go ahead. But do remember that whatever I have stated on the issue is the final word. Do not contradict anything that I said.

RN: Bow-wow. Ooooooo, Woof-woof,, bowowowoowow woof?

BT: Yes, they are sure to ask that question. Make sure don't paint a negative picture of Sachin. I have already dug my own grave by making that totally uncalled-for statement.

RN (Tail between his hind-legs): Waaiill, howwwlll, barkbark wowbowwoof?

BT: Rahul, you are the spokesperson. Do I have to tell you everything? Anyways, if they ask you “Sachin just said he's an Indian first; what's wrong with that?”, just change the topic, stall, or deflect it, or say our Supremo has spoken and that is final.

RN: woooooooof waaiiiiilll?

BT: Well, if they ask you “What is the Shiv Sena trying to prove by this outburst against the national icon?” - just say something unintelligible like “A clear reading of the article in Saamna will resolve the issue”. Don't forget to end the statement with something like “Our Supremo has spoken and there is no question of anyone speaking after that”.

RN (tail wagging, ears cocked up): Bow-wow.

***************************

And that, dear friends, is how we got to witness this most enlightening interview in recent history.

Abhi pointed me to this transcript of the Devil's Advocate episode where Karan Thapar interviewed I&B Minister Ambika Soni. Watch out for the number of times she uses phrases such as “debate”, “mechanisms in place” etc.

I guffawed so hard at the stupidity of it all that I fell down from my chair, hit my head against the floor; and fell unconscious. But even then the ghost of this interview did not leave me. I actually dreamt that I was interviewing Ambika Soni. And here's how the dream went:

********************

Me (Interviewer): Hello and welcome to [Insert-the-name-of-any-interview-show-here]. This is Kiran Rao; and we have as our guest today, I&B Minster of India, Ms. Ambika Soni. Ministerji, let's start with the question of censorship. What makes you think your ministry qualifies to tell people what they should be seeing?

Ambika Soni (AS): Well, I don't think that's true. I think we should have a public debate. I have committed myself on the floor of the house. I have an absolutely open mind.

Me: Ministerji, your ministry recently disallowed screening of one of the episodes of my interview show because it had a scene showing me kissing my wife. Are you implying that I was doing something immoral?

AS: No. I am not saying that. But there are mechanisms in place to deal with such cases. It is not my creation.

Me: Ok. So you accept, then, that that episode had nothing shameful?

AS: Kiran, I am not going to table my personal opinion on the matter. It is just that there has been a mechanism in place for this. I am ready to have a public debate.

Me: Ms Soni, lets lighten the mood a little. Let's switch topics. Who is your favorite cricketer?

AS: As I said, I have an open mind and I am prepared to have a public debate to resolve the issue and reach a conclusion.

Me: Huh? Ok. Let's try this. Would you like to tell us about yourself? Your history? Family background?

AS: Well – I committed myself on the floor of the house .. I have an open mind ... ..

********************

At that moment, I felt some cold water running down my cheeks and woke up :D I gave a good scolding to the friend who had woken me up. I so wanted to know where the interview was heading!

The current flood situation in Andhra Pradesh, the worst in over a century, have caused damage to the tune of Rs. 12 Thousand Crore; according to the Andhra Pradesh government (news link here). The state government has sought immediate assistance of Rs. 6 thousand crore from the centre.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in India, Mayawati intends to spend a whopping Rs. 2600 crore on statues and other structures in honor of various leaders in UP. And then, while reading another article, I came to know that there are plans to build a statue of Shivaji in Mumbai at a cost of Rs. 350 crore.

There – I have already provided the source for 50% of the flood relief budget – and we're just done with statues and just two states. Need I say anything more?

Oh yes – I do. What would Dr. Babasaheb Ambedkar or Chhatrapati Shivaji themselves prefer in such a situation? That some lunatics build their statues when lakhs of people are homeless? Or divert the funds to help the needy?

Any answers, honorable politicians of my country?

“The whole Indian system is bloody inefficient- Says who?”, thundered my pal; Mr. Professional (MP) recently when I was cribbing about inefficiency being the principal ingredient of the Indian DNA.

“Have you ever tried registering your property (site/house)? Then you would have inevitably come across the remarkably efficient bribe system. Everything is fixed. The bribe you pay (over and above the registration charges of course) is either a fixed percentage of your property value; or follows slab-rates depending on the property value. It doesn't end there. Each person's share of this pie is clearly defined beforehand, all the way up to the minister; no less. And have you ever stopped to marvel at the process of bribe collection and distribution?”

I definitely saw sense in what MP was saying. I pointed him to this excellent article by Atanu Dey which explains how trucks are routinely overloaded in exchange for a bribe. I was astounded at the way it works – and how seamless the entire process seams to be. Everyone stands to gain – the lorry operator, the corrupt officials at the check-point, the road construction contractor, and not to mention the babus and netas.

That only charged up MP all the more. He now focused his energies on bashing the LPG cylinder delivery chain. “Do you have any idea why you have to wait for 10 days to even 2 weeks for delivery of you LPG cylinder from the day you book it? It's because the dealers are stocking it up and providing it in black. The process is so streamlined, you won't even suspect something's cooking. You'll even dismiss the delay as yet another manifestation of the Great Indian Inefficiency Syndrome!”

Well, well, well. MP's right this time. The various processes and systems which corruption has spawned should be taught as subjects at the various B-Schools. They're probably six-sigma or better. If only this skill had been put to proper use. And here we are, the educated middle class, who's blissfully putting it all down to inefficiency. Ha!

• The price of tur-dal has shot up over Rs 77/kg. But hey, the inflation is negative
• A fuel price hike, probably the largest ever in Indian history, was effected couple of days back. Parking rates are ridiculous. But, don't you know the inflation is negative?
• The world is in recession, salaries are being slashed, people are losing jobs. Hey, don't you ever listen? I'm telling you, inflation is negative.
• Eating and cooking, fruits, milk and vegetables are now more expensive than ever before. But, don't you worry – inflation is negative.
• Commuting to and from work is now pinching – no, tearing apart – your pocket. Buddy, would you like to join the merriment? Inflation is negative, you see.
• Education is no longer affordable to even the middle class. You know what? The inflation is negative.
• They say real estate prices have come down – that holds ONLY if you are selling or renting out. If you are buying or renting a house yourself, prices are still around Mount K2 or Mount Everest levels. Don't you believe all that bullshit. Inflation is negative.

Come, lets all join hands and celebrate this wonderful achievement! The inflation is negative.

An Indian MP, one Mr Yarad Shaadav, recently caused furore by threatening to consume poison if a bill which proposes to set aside 33% reservation for women is passed. This was just the beginning. Mr. Shaadav set the stage for a series of threats, counter-threats, demands and counter-demands. In this exclusive report, we present some samples from this tug-of-war being played out in the Parliament for the past few days.

Mrs. Mane Aka Gandhi has demanded that 33% of the seats (i.e, 181 seats) be reserved for animals. Nothing surprising for those who know her. What is surprising though, is that out of these 181 seats, Mrs. Gandhi has asked for a huge chunk – 100 seats – for lions alone. This has made experts wonder why the lady has not demanded more reservation for lionesses, not to mention other animal species. This reporter suspects it might be because of the Mane in her Name). Mrs. Gandhi has threatened that she will let lions loose in the parliament if her demands are not met.

Star Indian cricketer, Har-dozen Singh has partly supported Mrs. Gandhi and requested her to include a clause that sets aside 10 seats for monkeys. Mr. Singh has also dropped a hint that failure to comply may mean that he will slap the Speaker of the House.

Another Indian cricketer – medium-pace dancer and (make-or-)break bowler Mr. Pappu-Kentdans-Ala (also known as Free-Santh)- has demanded 12% reservation for those backward sections of Indians who cannot dance, failing which, he reportedly plans to torture the entire House by shaking a leg near the well at Parliament House. Upon being asked how he arrived at the number 12, he responded that 12 is the average number of balls he bowls per over – hence the figure.

Noted actor Emraan Kissme, meanwhile, has started a campaign to highlight the plight of bad serial kissers in the country, and is reported to be meeting the President today with a representation requesting 1% reservation for serial kissers. Mr. Kissme has issued the most serious threat so far – he claims he will kiss every female MP for two full minutes if his demand is not met. If this act does not yield any results, he says he will start kissing the male MP's - in the ascending order of their age; and he will continue until his demand is accepted.

The Commissioner of Police of Bangalore, Mr. Pandu Havaldar, has jumped on to the bandwagon, and is lobbying for a 5% reservation for corrupt policemen in the Parliament. This in turn, has prompted citizen groups and MP's alike to question the motive of such a move as there is already a 100% reservation for corrupt people in the Lok Sabha. Mr. Havaldar also blackmailed the public by declaring that until his demands are met, the Bangalore Police will not maintain law and order in the city. This statement has confused the media and citizen forums. Questions like “Whats new in that?”, “How is that a threat?”, “Isn't that the state of Bangalore for the past decade any way?” resonated across newspapers and blogs alike.

This correspondent will continue to bring such juicy inside details for our esteemed readers as the women's reservation bill debate continues and the noises build up into a cacophony. Stay tuned .. er .. feedburner-fed.

I voted this morning! This is the first time I have cast my ballot – even though I have been eligible twice before.

During LS 2004, I ran from pillar to post to get my name of the voters' list but to no avail. During Karnataka assembly polls in 2008; I was solely to blame for not voting. I had taken a vacation after a very long time and did not want to “waste”my vacation by staying back in Bangalore! A (very) stupid excuse, I now realize in hindsight.

So what exactly am I feeling now, after having pressed the blue button?

• Relief, that I have performed my duty and that my responsibility ends here?

• Elation, for I can now crib about anything and everything, without pricking my conscience; since I have now earned the right to crib?

NO and NO.

I am feeling excited; for having taken the first concrete step towards being a responsible citizen. Of course, I believe that the other steps (blogging, creating awareness) etc do matter – but casting my vote is the first active step (the operative phrase being “active”).

I am feeling eager – in anticipation of all that I have to look forward to in the coming years.

I am feeling confident, that we the youth can turn around the state of affairs on its head in the next decade by participating whole-heartedly in administration and governance.

Cheers to that thought. Hoping for an India cleansed of its political garbage. JAI HIND.

********************************

As an afterthought, how does one decide who to vote for? Obviously, it depends on the situation. Here's how I took the decision:

1. First, check if any of the alternative parties are contesting in my constituency. If so, analyze them and choose the best among them.

2. If there are no candidates from any of the “new-age parties”, then do a thorough study of all the candidates who are contesting (including the Independents) – their history, whether there are any criminal cases against them, their assets, their manifesto. If I find any of them satisfactory, I zero in on that candidate.

3. If they are all the same (read “useless”), then do the next best thing – vote for the candidate from that party which I think is the better among the worst.

I know what you're thinking – what did I choose finally? I'm not telling – its a secret ballot remember :D. I'm not even disclosing how many steps I had to step through in the above process before I arrived at a conclusion ;)

THIRTY SEVEN .. no less. Don't believe me? Check for the number of candidates contesting from Bangalore Central (for example - at this site).

I'm wondering what percentage of the total votes cast will the winner garner! And I'm wondering what will be the share of the winner as a percentage of the total number of eligible voters in the constituency (taking into account a 60-70 percent voter turn-out).

World's largest democracy ki Jai Ho!

The Samajwadi Party has announced its intent to abolish the use of computers in new projects and to ban English in education. I totally support this move. Our nation has been progressing too fast. It is time to slow down, take a U-turn and march towards the 11^th Century. In fact, I propose the following as items on the agenda of SP for the 2014 elections:

1. Manufacturing of automobiles should be banned.

This will serve two purposes – One, it will give employment to the porters who can use the traditional “palki”s to transport people (especially those like Mulayam Singh Yadav himself) from point A to point B. Two – it will give employment to millions of bullocks and oxen in the country – since bullock carts will be the primary mode of transportation.

2. Telecommunication of all forms (phones, TV, radio) should be banned.

Yes. Don't you know that all these forms of telecommunication are snatching the livelihood of the 11^th-century style messengers? Remember those messengers who used to stand atop hilltops and shout out messages to the messengers on the next hilltop? Don't you want to ensure their employment as well?

3. Security Agencies should be banned.

How selfish can we Indians get? Do we not care about the employment of the dogs in our country? These security companies are stealing the bread-and-butter from the millions of dogs of our nation. What kind of nation is it which cannot even ensure employment of its strays?

And this list is just indicative. By no means is it the complete list – remember, we are talking an election manifesto here. These points are just the highlights.

Your suggestions to make India the superpower of 10 centuries ago are welcome. We will try to get them incorporated into the SP agenda for 2014. JAI BHARATH.

This article was originally published at YouthKiAwaaz. Reproducing it here.

The season of hate speeches is here. Every party worth its salt has had one by now. How can I be left behind? So here I present my own little hate speech:

"If anybody uses violence-laden or hate speeches in the run-up to the elections, we will cut/slit/chop/slash their lifelines - their power. Yes, we will see to it that not a single person who resorts to hate-speeches comes anywhere close to climbing the stairs of the Parliament. We do not need a even one such person to run our country. We will send them to the political slaughterhouse where they will meet their political grave!"

I'm sure the various competing parties will pick on me for giving this hate speech. And Election Commission might be forced to poke its nose too. However, I seek support from you, the reader to ensure that the parties and EC do not deter me from going ahead with this "Hate Campaign".

Can I count on your support?

Update: This post has been BlogBharti'ed

************************

Its 2050 A.D. The Indian Parliamentary elections are just round the corner. All political parties are immersed in hectic preparations for the polls.

Over at Amethi, the capital of the Targetary Republic of India, leaders of several smaller regional parties have come together for a meeting. The agenda is to discuss pre-poll alliances. These parties do not want to be part of the 2 big alliances: NDA (National Destructive Alliance) or UPA (Unbelievably Pathetic Alliance). They do not even want to be part of the 3^rd Front. Hence, they are coming together to form the Four-and-a-Half-th Back (4.5B).

Leader of the CPI (Chinese Party of India) – the largest party in the 4.5FB alliance, Mr. TomDick Harry announced the formation of this alliance in a press statement today:

“Initially, our party wanted to join the Third-and-a-Quarterth Direction-less (3Q-D). This is mainly because this front is dominated by the Right-wing parties, and we used to believe in their ideology.

However, as can be seen from recent developments, the Rights just wanted to get up-Front and they were not willing to have a dialogue to address our points of view. So during our recent party High Command meeting, we passed a resolution to disassociate ourselves from the 3Q-D.

That left us with the Left parties and their alliance – Nothing's Left (NL). However, we do not subscribe to their views at all. Finally, we decided to leave the Left Back, and jumped into the Centre with our own alliance.

4.5B is undoubtedly the future of India. We believe in all-Round backwardness. We aim to make every backward person/caste/section/religion/occupation even more backward – so much so that in 4.5 years, we aim to achieve our goal of having only one non-backward person out of every 4.5 people in India. Hence the name 4.5B.”

It remains to be seen how well this alliance is perceived by the public. All eyes are now on the MangoRepublic (also known as aam aadmi) citizen forum to react to this latest pre-poll alliance.

Watch this space for continuous updates leading right up to the D-Day.

In the aftermath of the Rahul Raj incident, wherein a gun-wielding youth was shot dead by Mumbai police, Maharashtra Home Minister RR Patil had this to say: "Those who take the law in their own hands will be dealt with in the same way".

Well Mr. Patil, in that case, perhaps tomorrow morning we should be reading

• About the Mumbai Police shooting MNS activists, beginning with their chief, the honorable Mr. Raj Thackeray?
• About the Mumbai Police shooting the famed Mumbai underworld dons to death?
• About Mumbai police shooting the corrupt politicians?
• About Mumbai police shooting YOU - since in issuing such a statement, you have taken the law in your own hands as well?

Mr. Patil, please do not give us this hypocritical, politically-motivated, i-wanna-save-my-rear bullshit. I do not want to opine on whether the Mumbai police was or was not justified in shooting Rahul Raj. My point is - why one set of rules for MNS and a different set for others?

Any answers , Honorable Mr. RR Patil?